I think I may have learned something lately, though the process of learning seems continuous and just when I think the lesson has been learned, I am reminded that I know nothing (well, maybe something, but something so small in the big framework of it all). Theoretically, logically, rightfully so, wisdom typical of more Eastern thinking on letting go, experiencing emotion, living each moment with conscious awareness of the ego and learning to separate the self from attachments, ah yes, they all seem so easy when I lay them out in my mind. When I look at them with my left hemisphere knowledge like a map of territories all color coded and exact, I say to myself, "duh."
I've been listening to these lectures given by a Ajahn Brahm, this British monk who has a fabulous sense of humor and seems to simplify concepts to their minimal foundation giving the wobbly spiritual aspirant such as myself an easy place to start. Almost every night when I go to be,d I lie there and listen to one of these hour so long talks and somehow always find a little nugget of wisdom that inspires me to wake up the next day and do things a bit differently. I like having the open space to grow and learn. I feel alive when my heart and soul are challenged to be better, do better.
Okay, so where am I going with all this? I titled this little episode of thought, "Finding Peace when the Pieces are Unresolved." My big struggle which has exsisted for what feels like forever is the ability to leave things alone when they are broken. I am the master of fixing things or at least pretending that they are not broken for the sake of carrying forth an ideal of what I wish my life looked like.
There have been a lot of slow changes brewing in me over the past year. slow awakenings and some serious attention given to the truth of what my heart has not always been allowed to speak. And as of lately, everything that is not what I wish it were has finally been allowed to just be what it is. It finally makes sense, DETACHMENT!
It feels as though I found a giant suitcase and filled it full of every heartache, disapointment and failure, lit it on fire and sent it out to sea to dissolve into the beautiful mystery of what so much of life is. Something that has been a big deal for me and that has nourished worry and misery is no longer asking to be fixed and made ok. I think some things in life, no matter how hard we try to hold them together, we just cannot. No super glue, no crazy recipe for success exists for these things. So a while ago, I felt this. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, said it is what it is. I accepted that my life, though full of joy and gratitude, exists imperfectly and there are things which sadden me and have no way of being resolved.
