The storm clouds rolled in early last week

the usual feeling of wanting to escape was confronted with a deep knowing that spoke,

"allow it, face it, ask it what it needs and why its here."

So I sat in my underwear on my living floor, I ran my fingers through my little boy's hair,

I closed my eyes and I listened to the sadness that was there. For however grateful I am for my life, my beautiful son,
and all the other blessings, all I could feel was a 9 pound teardrop.

Alchemy of the heart...

A day, perhaps 3 weeks ago, the sun rose to a specific angel and cast a spectrum of light into some dark caves of heavy thought and endless question. Ever since, I've been doing less talking and more listening. Listening to the world around me a bit, but mostly listening to the world that exists within my heart.

I think I must have been born with an enlarged heart because the capacity of my chest cavity, at times, feels much too small to contain such an organ that beats persistently with such heavy emotion and love. I have this little theory that, if this were the case, I simply looked at my heart as a malfunctioning annoyance that needed to be silenced and trained by the mind that moves and thinks in an organized and logical fashion. I must have written a letter before I knew how to write, and it went something like this, "Dear heart, you are much too much for me to live with in this world that appears so harsh and hard." So here I am a few decades later re-learning how to open my heart and live by its wisdom.

I spent my afternoon at a yoga workshop titled "Alchemy of the Heart." I suppose I showed up with some expectations of how I wanted it to go. I tend do this a lot, have an expectation and then....well, then life is life and of course it never matches up. But anyway, I was saying I had a certain expectation of today's yoga workshop. I showed up with the attitude, that looked at you, the expert (the workshop leader) as the one who was going to tap into my heart, bust down the walls and say wallah! It didn't really go like that, but there has been a gradual shift that I've been feeling for some time now. Its like that feeling when Spring is coming; the air changes, new life buds and you know, you just know good things are happening. It's just like that.

Every morning, I peer out my west facing window at the view of the Pacific Ocean that I have vowed never to take for granted. I close my eyes, my only way of knowing how to fully take in a moment through my heart and I allow my breath to flow into that space. Sometimes it aches, other times it feels numb, but more and more it feels like an old best friend that has carried me home to a joy so sweet only silence could be its praise. And there in that silence is a simple steady voice that is only mine.

Fall

The previous months have passed gently as the late Indian summer, typical of San Francisco dwelling, turned its attention to fall and fog. I am not sure why fall is my favorite season but there is actually a feeling that resonates in my body in response to this season and it makes me feel warm, grateful and glad.

Recently I noted a change within myself. I am suddenly more spirited and more interested in partaking in the fun traditions of our culture. In other words, I went shoppingfor Halloween costumes and had great fun doing it. Its been years since I've become excited about celebrating a "holiday" or fun day. I am not sure why that is, but I used to get annoyed with these days that were deticated to themes, decorations ad traditions.

So what shifted? Why after all these years did I suddenly become interested in celebrating these traditions? Simple, I became a mother. It is odd because suddenly I want the world to be the most fun, exciting, adventurous, cool place ever! I never looked at it this way, but I do believe traditions and celebrations are our way of honoring life, enjoying life and coming together as people to share sentiments. Its not annoying (as I once thought) it's awesome!

To begin with honoring traditions and celebrations I am beginning with Halloween. Afterall it is within my favorite season.

Notes to self...

1.) Everything is a process, an unfolding of events: an intricate map of geographical emotions, distance, time and languages. Stop searching for a destination, a conclusion or a punction mark. Be present in the process and be humble by the fact that you have no real idea where life will take you. Everyday invite life in to teach you and take you where ever it is you may go. 2,) Trying to be better= Pointless. Be challenged by new knowledge and let it take you where it will with conscious intention. 3.) Laugh! Laugh hard and deep and let it devour you. Laugher is medicine.

All along

My mind lies gently resting on the unveiling truths, quiet and still,
until more arrive and suddenly it is a show of little shooting stars clanging in my pocket like loose change just waiting to be found, aha!
The days are neither collected or sold, they are origami creatures
performing circus acts on the strings between my heart and all else
that beats and hums of life within.
they are built of sugar and salt and they journey between
sweetness and heartache,
and even in the moments that do not know of time,
the journey is always there, flowing like a river that never stops to think of what it would feel like to stand still; It just is, knowing or not, it is.
Hunger never knew how to borrow so fully from the empty barrel that lies between my rib cage,
prana and tears fill this space, wind and dust someday.
sorrow, it knows me.
sleep and laughter, they come to caress my hair and smile into me, as if to say feed upon us before you go back to climbing cliffs in search of your one lost puzzle piece. rest now.
but my journey does not break into parts,
it is one shoot of an arrow
and I only I see the slowest motion version of it,
hoping, waiting, hoping
that by the end, when it has laid its mark, you are there in those final moments
to smile, and to say I've loved you all along.

Let it be.

The fog hovers like an umbrella of greedy sun steeling humor,

mocking your bleak mood, as if the apparent season of summer

would somehow hold you to your capability of feeling bliss.

The voice that mocks the ego says, darling, you are holding

so still that I can see right through the cracks, a wild bull

is dancing on your mind, those butterflies are blooming in your stomach,

those worms are eating holes in your heart. How do you do it? How do you sit so still?

How do you remain so quiet?

Ah but there you are, composed, smiling, hiding, hoping none of this truth

will seep out and let itself by known. You taught yourself to tread water, to smile and always be polite. You learned to do this well, and you can't let go. Being perfect is what you do.

Today on the lower step to the back door of your apartment, you sat. The middle of the day

sat still with you, it hummed your sadness, it recognized your fury, it gave prize to your fight. The vast sky that stretched beyond where your imagination has wandered invited you to dream. The earth, she gathered bouquets for your funeral. It was the death not of you but of a little square inch piece of fear.

Let it be known. You are a woman of vast emotion, the deepest sorrows, the widest longings, the highest loves, the biggest laughter... You feel all of life with all of who you are.

Let it be.

and then there is you being your own best friend.

Today I woke up with a little tingle in my chest, with a little hallow space right in the middle, like a bulls eye to be targeted by some saintly emotion of self-love. That little hollow ache is the kind that asks you to pull the sheet over your head and say no thank you to being an active part of the bustling world outside.

Today I forced myself to yoga, in other words I got dressed, showed up, rolled out my mat on the floor and thought, "Oh God what am I doing here." I have no desire to move my body or to breath into this space of blah.

It had been several weeks since I'd done yoga. My body felt reluctant, non-flexible and weak. Surprise, surprise! Could it be mirroring exactly how I felt emotionally and mentally? After one too many Vinyasa flows I could feel my body trembling in pose, it was hard to hold, to stay with it. Back down to child's pose, exhale, and then the floodgates opened.

I spent the last 15 minutes of my yoga classes silently bawling, tears rolling down my face, but not a peep. I realized when I hate doing yoga the most is when I need it the most. It connects me to myself, even when I don't want to connect, or I'm scared to connect because there are feelings there other than happiness.
I stretched out all the kinks, got the blood flowing, let go of some old tears and left that yoga studio feeling renewed. There is only so much chocolate, wine and self-deprecating behavior to numb the not so fun days, and then there is you being your own best friend, saying, "Get you ass out of bed, get on the mat and let go, be and accept."