The paper hits the door at 5am, I am awake and living in between the sheets, amongst the dark and a full grown fog cloud. The sun rises, the golden sexless silouette rises, she draws her sword and takes one big warrior breath and then screams out loud.

She lifts her hands, 10 fingers, she wiggles her toes, 10 toes. Complete. What is there to want?

Finding peace when the pieces are unresolved

I think I may have learned something lately, though the process of learning seems continuous and just when I think the lesson has been learned, I am reminded that I know nothing (well, maybe something, but something so small in the big framework of it all). Theoretically, logically, rightfully so, wisdom typical of more Eastern thinking on letting go, experiencing emotion, living each moment with conscious awareness of the ego and learning to separate the self from attachments, ah yes, they all seem so easy when I lay them out in my mind. When I look at them with my left hemisphere knowledge like a map of territories all color coded and exact, I say to myself, "duh."

I've been listening to these lectures given by a Ajahn Brahm, this British monk who has a fabulous sense of humor and seems to simplify concepts to their minimal foundation giving the wobbly spiritual aspirant such as myself an easy place to start. Almost every night when I go to be,d I lie there and listen to one of these hour so long talks and somehow always find a little nugget of wisdom that inspires me to wake up the next day and do things a bit differently. I like having the open space to grow and learn. I feel alive when my heart and soul are challenged to be better, do better.

Okay, so where am I going with all this? I titled this little episode of thought, "Finding Peace when the Pieces are Unresolved." My big struggle which has exsisted for what feels like forever is the ability to leave things alone when they are broken. I am the master of fixing things or at least pretending that they are not broken for the sake of carrying forth an ideal of what I wish my life looked like.

There have been a lot of slow changes brewing in me over the past year. slow awakenings and some serious attention given to the truth of what my heart has not always been allowed to speak. And as of lately, everything that is not what I wish it were has finally been allowed to just be what it is. It finally makes sense, DETACHMENT!

It feels as though I found a giant suitcase and filled it full of every heartache, disapointment and failure, lit it on fire and sent it out to sea to dissolve into the beautiful mystery of what so much of life is. Something that has been a big deal for me and that has nourished worry and misery is no longer asking to be fixed and made ok. I think some things in life, no matter how hard we try to hold them together, we just cannot. No super glue, no crazy recipe for success exists for these things. So a while ago, I felt this. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, said it is what it is. I accepted that my life, though full of joy and gratitude, exists imperfectly and there are things which sadden me and have no way of being resolved.

The storm clouds rolled in early last week

the usual feeling of wanting to escape was confronted with a deep knowing that spoke,

"allow it, face it, ask it what it needs and why its here."

So I sat in my underwear on my living floor, I ran my fingers through my little boy's hair,

I closed my eyes and I listened to the sadness that was there. For however grateful I am for my life, my beautiful son and all the other blessings, I felt a sadness so heavy that breathing into it could only shatter my composure to tears.

Alchemy of the heart...

A day, perhaps 3 weeks ago, the sun rose to a specific angel and cast a spectrum of light into some dark caves of heavy thought and endless question. Ever since, I've been doing less talking and more listening. Listening to the world around me a bit, but mostly listening to the world that exists within my heart.

I think I must have been born with an enlarged heart because the capacity of my chest cavity, at times, feels much too small to contain such an organ that beats persistently with such heavy emotion and love. I have this little theory that, if this were the case, I simply looked at my heart as a malfunctioning annoyance that needed to be silenced and trained by the mind that moves and thinks in an organized and logical fashion. I must have written a letter before I knew how to write, and it went something like this, "Dear heart, you are much too much for me to live with in this world that appears so harsh and hard." So here I am a few decades later re-learning how to open my heart and live by its wisdom.

I spent my afternoon at a yoga workshop titled "Alchemy of the Heart." I suppose I showed up with some expectations of how I wanted it to go. I tend do this a lot, have an expectation and then....well, then life is life and of course it never matches up. But anyway, I was saying I had a certain expectation of today's yoga workshop. I showed up with the attitude, that looked at you, the expert (the workshop leader) as the one who was going to tap into my heart, bust down the walls and say wallah! It didn't really go like that, but there has been a gradual shift that I've been feeling for some time now. Its like that feeling when Spring is coming; the air changes, new life buds and you know, you just know good things are happening. It's just like that.

Every morning, I peer out my west facing window at the view of the Pacific Ocean that I have vowed never to take for granted. I close my eyes, my only way of knowing how to fully take in a moment through my heart and I allow my breath to flow into that space. Sometimes it aches, other times it feels numb, but more and more it feels like an old best friend that has carried me home to a joy so sweet only silence could be its praise. And there in that silence is a simple steady voice that is only mine.

Vulnerability, You Just May Kill Me!

The topic of vulnerability as a necessity for human connection and happiness, lures my intrigue. I recently listened to talk on the subject of the "Wholehearted Folks" who live from a space of joy and how they differ from the rest of "us" that easily stumble over life's little miseries. I try, oh I do try to live from that source of positive thinking, that space of soulful courage and that ability to look at the hard stuff as just an inevitable necessity of the good life. I often find myself existing in moments where I fail entirely to find that faith in myself and in the world around me. I go from my wholehearted ways of being to being skeptical and searching. Ugh, I don't like this.

Something interesting came to my attention. What causes emotional suffering? What comes over me when I feel sad, disconnected and uncertain of my place in this world? Well, I loose sight of a few things: I stop allowing myself to be imperfect. I seek to control the outcome of my life that is not for me to control. And I want all the good, beautiful, light and lovely things in life to mine, but I am unwillingly to be vulnerable, to expose myself and to be painfully real at times. So it would seem that when I am struggling the most, it is because I am unwilling to compromise. I am unwilling to compromise my vanity, my pride whatever it may be to get to the source of what is simple, true and perhaps lovely.

In honor of the New Year's resolution tradition (which i never stick to) this year i will attempt a little more exercise. Except this exercise is not for the toning of muscles and the perfecting of the body, this exercise will be on vulnerability. Yep, I am going to get more comfortable with the idea of being more vulnerable, yikes!

Do it for your health

I am obsessed with natural living, taking care of the body and being healthy. I am a student of Ayurvedic medicine and am convinced that what we put into our bodies creates a portion of who we are. And I full-heartedly believe that one should treat their body as a temple and nourish it with lovely goods, HOWEVER the fun living sometimes gets lost when we have a purpose to be and do good all the time.

Is there an age or a time in ones life when they should become a little less rigid about being healthy? I mean, come on, can't we all have one day a month where we can fuck up just a tad?

I am going to answer this question by saying: "Yesssssssssss!" There are times when I give myself permission to smoke a cigarette, to enjoy a cocktail(s), to eat a gigantic dessert and to say , "yeah baby this shit is good!" In my little philosophical twist on the whole topic of health from a holistic Ayurvedic perspective, I'd have to say this:
If it is true that health is not only limited to the physical body, but also dependent on mental clarity, emotional wellbeing and spiritual enlightenment, then wouldn't one agree that doing things in the name of good health also include things that create sensations of happiness? I most definately will reckon that an occasional cigarette is a joyful experience. I mean, come on, the Native Americans would celebrate and explore their spiritual depths with the use of the peace pipe. The very essence of smoke has significant meaning. So if something that has been classified as physically deterimental to the body but brings about a pleasurable experience, then wouldn't the unhealthy aspect just cancel itself out?

In the name of happiness, my need to rebel, my need to feel young and careless, my need to feel my own breath deepen and become visually alive with smoke, here's to the occasional fuck up: a cigarette!

Fall

The previous months have passed gently as the late Indian summer, typical of San Francisco dwelling, turned its attention to fall and fog. I am not sure why fall is my favorite season but there is actually a feeling that resonates in my body in response to this season and it makes me feel warm, grateful and glad.

Recently I noted a change within myself. I am suddenly more spirited and more interested in partaking in the fun traditions of our culture. In other words, I went shoppingfor Halloween costumes and had great fun doing it. Its been years since I've become excited about celebrating a "holiday" or fun day. I am not sure why that is, but I used to get annoyed with these days that were deticated to themes, decorations ad traditions.

So what shifted? Why after all these years did I suddenly become interested in celebrating these traditions? Simple, I became a mother. It is odd because suddenly I want the world to be the most fun, exciting, adventurous, cool place ever! I never looked at it this way, but I do believe traditions and celebrations are our way of honoring life, enjoying life and coming together as people to share sentiments. Its not annoying (as I once thought) it's awesome!

To begin with honoring traditions and celebrations I am beginning with Halloween. Afterall it is within my favorite season.