Finding peace when the pieces are unresolved

I think I may have learned something lately, though the process of learning seems continuous and just when I think the lesson has been learned, I am reminded that I know nothing (well, maybe something, but something so small in the big framework of it all). Theoretically, logically, rightfully so, wisdom typical of more Eastern thinking on letting go, experiencing emotion, living each moment with conscious awareness of the ego and learning to separate the self from attachments, ah yes, they all seem so easy when I lay them out in my mind. When I look at them with my left hemisphere knowledge like a map of territories all color coded and exact, I say to myself, "duh."

I've been listening to these lectures given by a Ajahn Brahm, this British monk who has a fabulous sense of humor and seems to simplify concepts to their minimal foundation giving the wobbly spiritual aspirant such as myself an easy place to start. Almost every night when I go to be,d I lie there and listen to one of these hour so long talks and somehow always find a little nugget of wisdom that inspires me to wake up the next day and do things a bit differently. I like having the open space to grow and learn. I feel alive when my heart and soul are challenged to be better, do better.

Okay, so where am I going with all this? I titled this little episode of thought, "Finding Peace when the Pieces are Unresolved." My big struggle which has exsisted for what feels like forever is the ability to leave things alone when they are broken. I am the master of fixing things or at least pretending that they are not broken for the sake of carrying forth an ideal of what I wish my life looked like.

There have been a lot of slow changes brewing in me over the past year. slow awakenings and some serious attention given to the truth of what my heart has not always been allowed to speak. And as of lately, everything that is not what I wish it were has finally been allowed to just be what it is. It finally makes sense, DETACHMENT!

It feels as though I found a giant suitcase and filled it full of every heartache, disapointment and failure, lit it on fire and sent it out to sea to dissolve into the beautiful mystery of what so much of life is. Something that has been a big deal for me and that has nourished worry and misery is no longer asking to be fixed and made ok. I think some things in life, no matter how hard we try to hold them together, we just cannot. No super glue, no crazy recipe for success exists for these things. So a while ago, I felt this. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, said it is what it is. I accepted that my life, though full of joy and gratitude, exists imperfectly and there are things which sadden me and have no way of being resolved.

The storm clouds rolled in early last week

the usual feeling of wanting to escape was confronted with a deep knowing that spoke,

"allow it, face it, ask it what it needs and why its here."

So I sat in my underwear on my living floor, I ran my fingers through my little boy's hair,

I closed my eyes and I listened to the sadness that was there. For however grateful I am for my life, my beautiful son,
and all the other blessings, all I could feel was a 9 pound teardrop.

Alchemy of the heart...

A day, perhaps 3 weeks ago, the sun rose to a specific angel and cast a spectrum of light into some dark caves of heavy thought and endless question. Ever since, I've been doing less talking and more listening. Listening to the world around me a bit, but mostly listening to the world that exists within my heart.

I think I must have been born with an enlarged heart because the capacity of my chest cavity, at times, feels much too small to contain such an organ that beats persistently with such heavy emotion and love. I have this little theory that, if this were the case, I simply looked at my heart as a malfunctioning annoyance that needed to be silenced and trained by the mind that moves and thinks in an organized and logical fashion. I must have written a letter before I knew how to write, and it went something like this, "Dear heart, you are much too much for me to live with in this world that appears so harsh and hard." So here I am a few decades later re-learning how to open my heart and live by its wisdom.

I spent my afternoon at a yoga workshop titled "Alchemy of the Heart." I suppose I showed up with some expectations of how I wanted it to go. I tend do this a lot, have an expectation and then....well, then life is life and of course it never matches up. But anyway, I was saying I had a certain expectation of today's yoga workshop. I showed up with the attitude, that looked at you, the expert (the workshop leader) as the one who was going to tap into my heart, bust down the walls and say wallah! It didn't really go like that, but there has been a gradual shift that I've been feeling for some time now. Its like that feeling when Spring is coming; the air changes, new life buds and you know, you just know good things are happening. It's just like that.

Every morning, I peer out my west facing window at the view of the Pacific Ocean that I have vowed never to take for granted. I close my eyes, my only way of knowing how to fully take in a moment through my heart and I allow my breath to flow into that space. Sometimes it aches, other times it feels numb, but more and more it feels like an old best friend that has carried me home to a joy so sweet only silence could be its praise. And there in that silence is a simple steady voice that is only mine.