Happiness experienced only when shared???

A few years ago I read the novel, Into the Wild, that was made more popular by the film version. It was a great book that brought up endless existential questions, but the reason I refer to it is for a specific line that has always stayed with me. I am not quoting this directly, but it was something like this: Happiness can only be experienced when it is shared.

My life has been shaped and defined by those I hold dear and call my friends. I have not always been the best at friendship though. I wasn't always willing to share myself completely, and instead found it necessary to share only the part of me that was strong, capable, beautiful, perfect etc. And though, in moments, I am all of these things, those moments are fleeting; they arrive and then leave before resonating.

When I was 16, my dearest friend was diagnosed with brain cancer and she was given a year to live. I watched her go through every stage of emotion. I watched her hair fall out. I watched her lose the ability to walk. I sat beside her the day she lost her battle to cancer. I had never know this sort of intimacy with anyone and it terrified me. She taught me something. She taught me that it was okay to be weak and be seen. She taught me that friendship cares less about seeing the perfections of a person, it cares only to truly know the whole person. In her weakness, baldness, and fear, I saw nothing other than an amazing young woman who I adored. There was nothing she could do or say that would make me feel otherwise. This is what friendship is, I have told myself.

A part of me believes that happiness is cultivated through our own willing; it comes from within. Another part of me believes that in order to experience happiness fully, it has to be shared. I am really good at going to the movies alone, sitting alone at a table for two in a nice restaurant, traveling abroad without knowing a soul nor the language of the country I am in. I have always been good at being alone. However, when I am in the company of a kindred spirit, my joy is abundant and life just makes more sense.

I have know true friendship, it is a gift and it is rare. At this moment in my life, I feel I have room for nothing less. I want to sit make-up-less, imperfectly and silently with someone who knows my favorite song. And I want to give others the space to do the same. I am grateful to all the lovely people in my life whom would gladly let me do that, and already have.

The simplest things seduce me.

Somedays I am in search of a blatant display of awesomeness: Neruda's poetry, an '89 Lynch Bages, a piece of Scharffen-Berger, a Bob Dylan song, ...etc. Other days I am seduced, without thought or reason, by the simplest things.

As the wind moves the flower to dance gently under the sun, I too am moved with it. The natural world is something I cannot comprehend, but nothing makes more sense to me. The earth, the sky the sea and everything in between are things I have known from the beginning. There is nothing new about any of it, and yet I never get tired of looking at it, discovering it, awing over it.

Brian always says, "The wind blows and you get turned on." I think he might be right!

Go Nude! But Don't Forget to Wear Really Great Shoes!

I often refer to matters of the heart and spirit when speaking about my raison d'etre. I appreciate the depth and substance of a life lived with contemplation and a devotion to wisdom. Philosophy, Art, History, Politics, Social Justice, ...Yes please! I love deep thinking. I love exploring the intricate layers of the human mind. I love things that stir my senses to the inner core and energize a more pure way of being. But I have got to admit, some days should be reserved for mindless, superficial, good fun!

Every so often, I find myself in DIRE need for one of those days. It usually begins with browsing some of SF's finest fashion boutiques. If you know me well, you know that I can transition between talking about Sartre and shoes rather easily. Today I found myself in Gimme Shoes. I feel at home there, not just for the fact that all the sales associates know me by name, ha, but being in a space of well- made, sexy, awesome shoes, puts me at ease. I feel a feng shui of my energy while spending time in Gimme, and I feel damn good.

What is it about shoes that I ADORE? I believe it began when I was in grade school. I found wearing the Catholic school uniform, um, stifling. My shoes were the one and only aspect of my attire that I could choose. Shoes were my means of individual expression. There is an experience that is created around shoe shopping. Some of my most vivid memories of spending a summer in Italy when I was 16 are held within those lovely little Italian shoe boutiques. The smell of quality leather, the organic craftsmen ship of a pair of handmade shoes, the qualities of earthy and feminine colliding into a perfect pair of heels... Oy vey! Over the years, my shoe collection has become an expression of my experiences, my travels, and my evolution as a woman.

So yes, shoes may be my vice, because it is likely that I like shoes a little more than I should. Most days I'd say give me truth or give me death, but some days, it's just gimme shoes.

Take me to where the Buffalo Roam

At various points in my life, I have wanted to experience living on an Indian reservation, having the opportunity to soak up some wisdom from the elders and live more simply. (Living more simply, always always on my list of to do, and such a challenge) For as long as I can remember, I have been drawn to cultures that honor nature and abide by an ethic of compassion and love of all things and people.

A while back, I met an old Hopi man,Istaqa, meaning coyote man. We had many conversations about life, war, mother earth, ethics, love, parenthood etc. Anytime I asked him a question, he would not respond with an answer but instead provide a story. He helped me to not only admire the practices of his Hopi ancestors, he ignited my own internal compass for accessing knowledge. He also used a saying, "Have you eaten yet?" This was his way of asking how are you? At first I thought, how bizarre to ask if I have eaten. But then I understood. It is the basic need for nourishment which gives life. From there all else is up to us. How many times has someone asked, "How are you" and you felt like saying, "Not good?" If someone instead asked you if you had eaten, would that change the way you felt about your present state? Maybe it would encourage you to nourish yourself better or perhaps it would make you realize that your life is abundant because your basic needs are met. I love this saying and sometimes use it for fun. We often forget that many people of the world are not so fortunate to have plentiful food and basic resources, so if we think about this question, "Have you eaten," we recognize something significant.

In my experience I learned that with a quiet mind in a quiet place, preferably in nature, all questions have their answer. There is nothing the heart and mind does not know. In one of my favorite John Butler songs, "Sometimes," he sings, "Somethings its hard to see the truth and yet it is harder to ignore." In my daily intention to provoke the good within myself, I always draw on the inspirations from Istaqa and the wisdom of the Native cultures.

Here is a Lakota saying on how to live life. I really love this. Thank you for allowing me to share.

Friend do it this way - that is,
whatever you do in life,
do the very best you can
with both your heart and mind.

And if you do it that way,
the Power Of The Universe
will come to your assistance,
if your heart and mind are in Unity.

When one sits in the Hoop Of The People,
one must be responsible because
All of Creation is related.
And the hurt of one is the hurt of all.
And the honor of one is the honor of all.
And whatever we do effects everything in the universe.

If you do it that way - that is,
if you truly join your heart and mind
as One - whatever you ask for,
that's the Way It's Going To Be

Georgia, You've been on my mind

It is rare that I get to sit down on the couch and actually watch a film these days. So when the opportunity arises, I am beyond thrilled. I love film, no wait, that's not it. Rather, it is the feeling that film produces, the quality of reaching something meaningful and directly related to my own experience of life. I remember as a child, how watching certain films would shift my reality and would inspire me towards a certain way of being. At one point, I thought I was destined to be the real life karate kid. And then a week passed and I was on to being Mary Poppins:) Film has always been a powerful means of expression for human emotion. The opportunity to see a really lovely film can be transformative.

This past weekend, I rented the new Georgia O'Keefe film and really fell in love with that woman. She lived by her own reasons. She was incredibly simple and yet dynamic. Is that possible for one to be both simple and dynamic? Perhaps not, but I am assuming such. She changed the way I understand how those two opposing adjectives can be truly complementary of one another.

I went to the Georgia O'Keefe museum in Santa Fe a few years back. I have to admit, though her paintings are beautiful, I don't love them. I enjoy looking at them for their use of brilliant color and provocative sensualism, but I wouldn't choose to hang one on my wall at home. I was actually more moved by the black and white photo exhibit of O'Keefe. I would go back just to revisit those photos. I found them earthy and raw and incredibly self telling. Anyhow, through all my experiences of Ms. O'Keefe, she has come to exemplify beauty in so many ways.

I think that her fascination with Taos, New Mexico is part of the camaraderie. I found Taos to be a place filled with magic and soul. It melts away the layers, dries out the inadequacy, and leaves one feeling both humble and powerful. Perhaps that is why it is a refuge for artists. I could write a novel about Taos, but my purpose here was really to share my appreciation of Ms. O'Keefe. I have come to understand her as I have come to understand Taos. She comes off as an such a strong, hardy woman, but she is delicate and her heart holds a capacity for love that is rare. Just like Taos, a seemingly rough and austere presence at times holds a treasure for those who stay long enough to know it. The thing that also fascinated me about O'Keefe was her devotion to her "husband." The film portrayed him as a self-centered, eccentric type that knew very little about how to love a woman. O'Keefe lived her life for her, but even so she had a deep love for this man and a deep longing for him to recognize all that was good in her. There is something to be said about this. With ever reason not to love someone/something, for every reason not to allow our lives to be run always by what is felt and for every reason to concern ourselves first with honoring our own purpose, there is that one reason that simply outshines them all, "The heart has reasons, reason knows nothing of." -(Pascal). And this is what I loved most about her, that ability to move through life with grace and joy in spite of all that does not go as planned, and in spite of not being able to have all that the heart desires.

So thank you Georgia O'Keefe, thank you for your life and work. I will whisper your name every time I enter the canvas of Taos, as I feel somehow I knew you.

My journey of learning to live in the moment!

"Living in the moment," has become as common as the phrase, "How are you?" It's something we say, but it's not always something we think about. I have always strugged to truly live in the moment. My daily reminders from the "Tiny Buddah" suggest it, my morning pratice of yoga and meditation hopes for it, and the little voice in my head often says, "Hey darling, you are not living in the moment;" ...even so, I am still lingering on yesterday's memories and trying to run from tomorrow's storm clouds . So for me, the truth of living in the moment means surrendering to the "what is" of each day. Longing and fearing are probably the biggest hinders of personal freedom. Don't just live in the moment, really be there.

Learning to live in the moment started when I wasn't willing to hang out with negative thoughts and feelings. Everytime I had a negative thought or feeling, I'd escape to some great memory of the past or I'd start builing a lofty dream of what the future could be. All the while my mind and emotions were standing right in front of me doing jumping jacks and yelling, "Here we are!" What does one do when living in the moment means dealing with one's crazy self?

When someone casually says, "Just live in the moment.," ask them exactly what they mean. If I asked you to sit down and paint me a picture of something and you've never painted or been introduced to art, would you feel a little lost? For me, living in the moment, could only be defined once I praticed it. It is a practice I master some days and entirely fail on other days. It is about learning to accept that life is both light and shadow and our experience is really a creation of our judgements and reactions. Living in the moment means to accept the joy, the sadness and everything in between. Afterall, a moment is just a moment and then comes the next moment.

Never Follow a Recipe!

"Never follow a recipe," is a saying I use when it comes to more than just cooking. However, the saying did originate in my kitchen back when my husband and I were just dating. He couldn't understand why I never used a cook book or followed a recipe. It wasn't that I was against following recipes, but I guess for me there was no purpose in doing something when the process was controlled and BORING. I wasn't after creating a masterpeice, I was after the experience of my own creation, my own trials and errors. The term "Never follow a recipe" now applies to so much more. It is easy for us to follow the path of those who have gone before us. In my husband's case, this is the wise choice. You avoid error and you know where you're going to end up. Somehow for me, this was never quite exceptable. The process of life is the joy of discovery. "It's the journey, not the destination," as "they" say.

Not to discredit the wisdom that we can learn from those who come before us. There is an ocean of ancient wisdom that deserves much credit and respect. From this we can build ourselves a foundation of understanding. By doing this we give ourselves the tools to be better craftsmen of our own life. So, allow me to put it this way. Nourish your mind and soul with wisdom and grace and from there allow your own spirit to carve the way, afterall the world is always in search of new recipes:)