If there were a clear and mapped out path for my life, in many ways I'd be grateful. I have never been the type of person to make plans. I'd like to think that I enjoy a certain quality of mystery in my life: the spontaneity that comes with encountering the unknown, but is that all it is? Or is it a commitment to things that I fear? I once gave up taking a weekend trip with a group of friends for the fear that I'd get there, somehow crave solitude and then be confined to a weekend of non-stop social activities. I sometimes get stuck in the frozen foods isle of the grocery store, dazed and confused about which flavor of ice cream I should buy. What if I were to get Cherry's Garcia and then later realize I wish I had New York Super Fudge Chunk? Making the tiniest commitments can boggle my mind. With making the real big decisions I usually flip a coin and let it decide for me. There are some exceptions to my commitment phobia though. I knew hands down I wanted to be a mom. That HUGE commitment didn't scare me one bit. I knew that when I was in truly in love I'd be able to commit forever. That didn't scare me one bit either.
I guess it is this then: commitment doesn't scare me, it is having to make decisions for things which I am uncertain about that scares me, even the littlest things. I can birth a baby no problem, but ask me to pick out an ice cream flavor and I am all over the place.
Though I am not accustomed to living by a schedule nor do I like routine, I sort of thrive in that environment. I loved college for the freedom to live on my own, explore the world away from my parents, eat pizza at 3am, blast music and smoke cigarettes in bed. Yes, this was all great but what made it great was that class didn't wait for me, I had to be there, papers had deadlines, professors had expectations. I could be wild and free in so far as I had been responsible enough to carry out my student duties.
Lets just be honest, I have a tendency towards self indulgence, even laziness at times. If I had utter freedom to exist without responsibility I am quite certain that at times I would find myself hunkered to the couch watching reruns of "I Love Lucy," accompanied by an empty pint of Ben & Jerry's. I don't like existing in this way, at least not for extended periods of time.
As I get older I am beginning to recognize that commitment is a learned habit. The more I practice it, the easier it becomes. So here it is, I think this may be the gist of my dilemma... I want to be the master of my destiny, I want to dance to the beat of my own drum, I don' want to work for any corporations, I don't want to waste my time doing things that I have no meaning to me. I want to live boldly and freely, and as far as accountability goes, because I do need it, it should come from a place of passion and truth. It should come from my own inner wisdom putting on the spectacles and looking deeply to evaluate and praise or to nudge and say, "get off your ass and be better than this."
All these years I just thought maybe I had a rebellious streak, a fear of commitment, and an inability to function as one of society's machines. I guess I am more certain now that no I am not rebellious at all. I just want to do things my own way. I am not commitment phobic, I just need to know what I want before I invest. And lastly, YES I am unable to function as a machine in society. Ain't no leader like the one I am!
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