In between self-discipline, a yearning to experience the world beyond physical desires and material possessions, I come to a dead end. There, I must admit to myself that at moments I am entirely superficial and love nothing more than the taste, sight, touch and feel of things. I have no room in my bones for spiritual awakenings and conscious living in these moments, only gourmet food, designer shoes and love making. Oh yes, human, so very human that is me.
I recently made friends with two females I met at a Sangha event in Berkeley. Our introduction was made in a space kept for meditation, contemplation and a devotion to the spiritual journey. I am definitely on that journey and I yearn to hold a space of depth for that which is divine in everything and I often feel most motivated and enlivened by this space. Anyhow, I invited these two blond bohemians over for tea, thinking how great to have friendships with other women who seek this certain quality to their lives. They arrived together both looking fashionable and fun, like girlfriends you could drink martinis with at a posh bar while discussing the latest celebrity gossip. We sat around my coffee table drinking ginger tea talking about Ayurveda and our experiences with meditation. To my delight though the conversation didn't stay here. We shared a love of fashion, we talked about men and that "umph" one feels when attracted, and how rare and insanely true attraction can be. These girls made me realize that I am not a lonely breed of female, but there are in fact other females who are equally spiritual aspirant, lover of knowledge, fashionista, sex goddess (or so I wish).
My raison d'etre is many things at many given moments. If I were solely focused on my need for deep meaningful living then i'd be ignoring a great aspect of myself. Is it contradictory to think that one can live a conscious and sacred existence while at moments being imperfect and perfectly superficial? I am certain that many would say YES. That's fine and that may be partially correct, but I am going to interject some thoughts here.
In order to really walk the path of truth, intention, meaning, one has to be honest, one has to be them self. One has to acknowledge imperfection not as a weakness but as a reality of being human. So as I travel this spiritual journey seeking wisdom and self betterment, I allow myself to be me. I recognize the great power of intention and the ability to change oneself, that is entirely separate though. I always have a greater capacity for compassion, love, devotion, inspiration etc. but I cannot make myself someone that I am not. I will always admire the serene and dedicated yogi for his ability to be silent and simple. That just isn't me though. I will always admire the powerhouse woman who can run a business, maintain a good marriage and raise happy children. That just isn't me. I don't know how to multitask. I do one good thing at a time. I can't live a life of boring clothing, boring foods and no sex for the sake of enlightenment. I get it and maybe one day I will want to give up all my earthly desires, but today is not that day.
Today's mediation: silence, silence, ....silence. Hmm,what shall we eat for breakfast? ooooh waffles drizzled in honey. ssshhhh, silence, we're meditating. oh man, what would it be like to spend a day in bed with Johnny Depp. oh god that sounds so fantastic right now. I want sex! Shhhh, shut it, meditate you wild monkey mind. hmm, I wonder how long it would take me to reach nirvana, hmm...............
I've spent far to many moments beating myself up for not being good enough. I just don't have room for it in my life right now. I am not a saint, I am Megan Fleming. I value meditation and I try to meditate daily. Sometimes my path is lost with thoughts of Johnny Depp. And I don't so much mind:)
No comments:
Post a Comment